WHAT THE HELL!
by Rose Davis
Summary: Two guys, one girl, throw in the unexpected and mayhem ensues. What could happen in their unique situation. Read and find out. ONE SHOT.


****Just a little something I thought of while waiting in the drive through line at the bank. I hope you enjoy and tell me what you think. Oh yeah, I almost forget. I OWN NOTHING JUST AND IDEA AND A TOYOTA CAMRY****

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The first drink made her loosen up.

The second and she became very talkative.

The third and dancing wasn't a problem anymore.

By the fourth and fifth, she wasn't afraid to pinch a bum or two.

The sixth, seventh and eighth; she should have went home and slept it off. At least that's what her brain kept telling her.

By the ninth and tenth drink it was all over there was no more rational thinking. She had shut her brain down and snogging became a sport. Why didn't she stop. Well her brain was shut down. So when she woke up at her place with a foreign man laying beside her she wasn't too surprise; not even when she saw who it was.

This was a regular occurrence between the two of them. Or should I say the three of them. Yes it is a bit complicated but then again Hermione Granger always liked things a little complicated. That way her brain got more of a workout when she tried to solve the problem. She had yet to figure out the complexities of this complicated situation that she had going on between herself and her two umm, well gentlemen callers.

While she has never claimed to be in a relationship with either one, she always turned to one or the other to scratch a certain itch. While she briefly dated one, it was disastrous so they decided to just be friends and then they decided to be 'friends with benefits'. If not to make her life even more complicated; the relationship with the one laying beside her started out as a drunken one night stand and then it ended up being a 'frenemy with benefits' type thing that was always fueled by alcohol. Go figure.

So as usual they parted ways and vowed to never speak of it to any one and carry on as usual. This always concerned Harry but, as she would tell him quite often. 'She was a grown woman and she could take care of herself.' Besides it was just a bit of fun. Who would expect her to have fun that wasn't connected to a book or some type of research.

It would have worked out just fine had it not been for one little snag later down the road.

"You don't have the flu. You're pregnant."

"No your mistaken. That is not possible."

"Did the test twice. Your pregnant. Congratulations." With that the healer walked out of the room leaving a baffled and confused Hermione behind. This would have been good news had it not been for the fact that she had no idea who fathered her child. Well there were only two people who could have been the father but which one of them was it.

After a couple of weeks of denial and another one getting up the courage. She gathered the two mortal enemies together and broke the news.

"There is no easy way to say this so her goes . . . . . . . I'm pregnant."

"Hermione, that's wonderful, but why did the ferret have to be here when you told me."

"Because he may be the father."

"'Maybe', I know my boys are much smarter and brighter than Weaselbees. There is no way he could be the father."

"Well there is a possibility, as you both have known we have had a complicated relationship for a while."

"Complicated as in he was no match for you intellectually or sexually."

"Really, fancy telling me why she keeps coming back."

"Obviously she felt sorry for you. There is such thing as a 'Mercy Hump'; but she was never satisfied. So quite naturally she had to come running to me."

"You bloody ferret, I will bash your face in!"

"Anytime weaselbee."

"RONALD, DRACO! Stop this instance. This is a serious matter, have either of even considered me in this. You two need to grow up." With that she stormed from the room. Leaving two baffled young men standing there with their mouth a gape.

So it was that they came to a compromise. To be civil around Hermione and fight behind her back. They helped her throughout her pregnancy. They there when she found out she was having twins. In her presence they were civil but when she walked out the room they began their petty bickering.

"Your not competent enough to make two babies."

"I would be more likely to produce twins then you. It's called genetics and your supposed to be smarter than me."

"I am smarter than you. I am glad that she is having my babies. Now they won't have to have that insufferable red hair."

"That's it, I'm going to punch you the face ferret boy." Just as Ron was about to carry out his threat Hermione walked back in the room. So he played it off as if he was brushing some lint from Draco's suit.

When she found out that she was having boys. They celebrated with her but secretly met up afterwards and beat the crap out of each other; for two reasons. One - For good measure and Two- To release pent-up sexual frustration because since finding out she was expecting she refused to have sex with either of them.

On a beautiful spring morning in April an urgent owl letting them know that she had went into labor and was taken to St. Mungo's. They arrived within seconds of each other and made a mad dash for her room. They both walked in and greeted Harry and Ginny who had been with her since the first contraction this morning. They were both determined to be civil and helpful for Hermione's sake. They took turns having their hands crushed, wiping her brow, rubbing her back, getting her ice chips and walking with her up and down the halls to help speed things along a bit.

Finally, it was time for Hermione to start pushing. There was a problem. The nurse said only one person could be in the room while she gave birth. Neither one of them wanting the other to be the first to see the babies they began to fight. They knocked over chairs and equipment punched each other in the face and began wrestling back and forth on the floor shouting to the other 'I'm staying, No, I'm staying'. Finally Hermione had enough.

"Ginny," she said in between her contraction. "You can stay. Harry get them out of here and if either one of them tries to come back before I send for them, hex them until they piss themselves." Harry nodded and started to escort them out but they both protested.

"BUT HERMIONE!" They both retorted.

"GET THE HELL OUT NOW!" She said as another intense contraction hit her. She was done with their foolishness. She had to focus on the task at hand. Get the babies out. Harry escorted the two out reluctantly but they did not want to cross Hermione at this point. After 25 minutes of pushing and another 30 of shock, awe and amazement, they were finally told that they could go back in the room. They pushed the door open slowly and found Hermione sitting up in her bed smiling. Although she looked tired she was smiling. She gestured for them both to come in fully. Ron was the first to break the silence in the room.

"Well Hermione, which one of us is the father." Ron asked anxiously.

"Go and see for yourselves." They both walked over to the babies in their bassinets and peeked at the child lying in them.

"Well, Weaselbee. They are definitely yours. They couldn't shake the red hair of yours."

"What are you on about, this kid has that same blonde hair as yours. He probably has those same wonky eyes as yours."

"Weasley what are you talking about this baby has red hair."

"This one is blonde, Malfoy can't you see." They both switched babies and then they looked at Hermione.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"Honestly, you two didn't pay attention to all of our biology classes." They both shook their heads and Hermione continued. "They are fraternal twins." They still looked blankly at her. "Which means they are two separate eggs and in this case they were fertilized by two separate sperm." They still stood there blankly trying to take in all the information that was just told to them. "Really, no wonder I was the one with the best grades. You both have sons you idiots."

Draco scoffed, "I knew that. I am just amazed that a Malfoy could share a womb with a Weasley."

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****WELL I HOPE YOU LIKED IT. THERE WILL BE MORE ONESHOTS COMING. INSPIRATION CAN HIT YOU AT ANYTIME. PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.****


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